the view from above Sunday, Sep 27 2009 

since thursday i’ve been sitting within various psych wards of a local hospital.

it’s a lot less scary than i thought it would be when i first went in. in the beginning i was in the heaviest security ward, ie. lock-up rooms, straight jackets etc. in that ward they don’t even have buttons on their shirts. the ward i am in now is the brief intervention one, we get shirts with buttons and bathrobes with velcro, and our beds have blankets and our rooms do not lock.

there is thick metal wire on the windows in our ward. the lock-up ward is encased in concrete and doesn’t have windows anywhere. it is like a prison there, but i guess if that is what you need to keep yourself safe, then there isn’t much choice about it. i have my own room with a locker. they said i could stay at home tonight and come back tomorrow morning, but i don’t think that will happen. i think i need to go back but i decided to write this down before i did. maybe for personal reference i don’t know.

tomorrow the regular psychiatrist who meet me during friday will see me again because he is going to be looking after what happens to me. i think that he is doin fine so far eh so that is good and i am looking forward to clarifying things again. i didn’t expect to have to go to the hospital when i went to see my psychologist on thursday, so it is my first time there too.

the part of the hospital this wing is in is in an older part, though i went for a walk in the oldest part the other day. it is hard to believe they did operations in a place that looks like it should be some sort of archaelogical display, or for an architecture tour.

don’t get me wrong, i’m glad to be there. i’m willing to place my trust in the hands of those who i think know better than i do about what is safe and or what isn’t. i think maybe they can set me on a better way, or at least set me on a way to find it, with help from others.

oddly enough, the psychs here know far more about my gender than the therapists i seen about gender. they are more respectful, understanding, caring, and understand that though it could be the cause of much trouble, in my case it is not, and therefore, since it has been dealt with healthily, it doesn’t need to be probed and rehashed or blamed for all things. it makes me rather sad that the student nurses here know/care/understand more than those psychologists i’ve seen about gender for years. makes me think some people are living in the dark. it was a gender specialist who said that my gender was the cause of all these problems, and that they would all go away after i had dealt with them. though i would love to believe her, i don’t think my gender has anything to do with my homicidal wanting to kill certain people.

i think i’ll stick to my psychiatrist’s opinion on that one.

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skipping class is productive Tuesday, Sep 22 2009 

today i spent the last two blocks of classes at a youth centre working on some writing i have been attempting to finish for the past couple of months. it was a nice relaxing, enjoyable day. i’m not sure if i’m entering one of my super productive phases, but it certainly seems so. eventually i’ll end up going and crashing, but i guess i’ll just try to use all of this energy and get my work done when i have the chance.

i also managed to complete my intention letter for a college application that i will be filling out as of october 1st. it’s exciting, because to be frank here, i never honest to god thought that i would ever in my life be able to apply for college. or with beyond shit marks even. that blows me away. maybe part of it is the fact that though both my parents managed to get through university (my dad’s work paid for his, my mum went long before it cost near as much as it is now), neither of them managed to graduate from high school. my mum has a GED, while my dad has something else entirely. i’ve almost ended up leaving on a number of occaisions, and am still shocked i am graduating.

i find it odd that i will finally be leaving secondary school but at the same time i am very glad to get out of here. my ex was telling me today that in a year i will want to go back. personally, i doubt this. there will be nothing for me to go back to!