just waiting Tuesday, Sep 29 2009 

so, i greet you again from the innards of the hospital.

not that bad a place if i must say so myself. i get my half an hour of free, unsupervised freedom to ponder teh internets, and go select a newspaper for crossword.

today i started to work on my housing situation, ugh. this is going to be one long road. the psych i saw today thinks that it would be ok if i went to a youth shelter (b/c staying at home isn’t an option – both for my safety and for that of the others who live there) but the lady who works with housing says i shouldn’t! frankly, i’d much rather go to a shelter than live at home, but i digress since it is probably better to have her read my file and do some consideration, as i am certain that the psych who saw me today will write everything down in there, especially because i was honest and vocal about what i think of the housing situation.

no idea what this is going to do for my education and/or graduation, but i don’t plan on giving up. fuck the people who try to tell me i won’t get into college, or university, or graduate studies. i will get there. don’t think for one fucking minute that this mental illness shit is going to get in my way; if you know me well enough, you that i never, ever give up easy. in fact, i don’t ever quit and i have no recollection of giving up at all. sorry grade 4 teacher who said i would never graduate from elementary school, i guess exceeded your narrowminded racist expectations. sorry i turned out to be a better human being than you wanted me to be. truly, i’m not sorry.

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the view from above Sunday, Sep 27 2009 

since thursday i’ve been sitting within various psych wards of a local hospital.

it’s a lot less scary than i thought it would be when i first went in. in the beginning i was in the heaviest security ward, ie. lock-up rooms, straight jackets etc. in that ward they don’t even have buttons on their shirts. the ward i am in now is the brief intervention one, we get shirts with buttons and bathrobes with velcro, and our beds have blankets and our rooms do not lock.

there is thick metal wire on the windows in our ward. the lock-up ward is encased in concrete and doesn’t have windows anywhere. it is like a prison there, but i guess if that is what you need to keep yourself safe, then there isn’t much choice about it. i have my own room with a locker. they said i could stay at home tonight and come back tomorrow morning, but i don’t think that will happen. i think i need to go back but i decided to write this down before i did. maybe for personal reference i don’t know.

tomorrow the regular psychiatrist who meet me during friday will see me again because he is going to be looking after what happens to me. i think that he is doin fine so far eh so that is good and i am looking forward to clarifying things again. i didn’t expect to have to go to the hospital when i went to see my psychologist on thursday, so it is my first time there too.

the part of the hospital this wing is in is in an older part, though i went for a walk in the oldest part the other day. it is hard to believe they did operations in a place that looks like it should be some sort of archaelogical display, or for an architecture tour.

don’t get me wrong, i’m glad to be there. i’m willing to place my trust in the hands of those who i think know better than i do about what is safe and or what isn’t. i think maybe they can set me on a better way, or at least set me on a way to find it, with help from others.

oddly enough, the psychs here know far more about my gender than the therapists i seen about gender. they are more respectful, understanding, caring, and understand that though it could be the cause of much trouble, in my case it is not, and therefore, since it has been dealt with healthily, it doesn’t need to be probed and rehashed or blamed for all things. it makes me rather sad that the student nurses here know/care/understand more than those psychologists i’ve seen about gender for years. makes me think some people are living in the dark. it was a gender specialist who said that my gender was the cause of all these problems, and that they would all go away after i had dealt with them. though i would love to believe her, i don’t think my gender has anything to do with my homicidal wanting to kill certain people.

i think i’ll stick to my psychiatrist’s opinion on that one.

later Wednesday, Sep 23 2009 

i know that you think that im spittin these rhymes

cuz im young and im done and can just find the time

but i want to correct, not reject those designs

with my own mental plans and my own realigns

it seems your idea of youth has been flawed

by those who taught you when were this old

cuz i know that the world that we live in is cold

and that somethings never change no matter when they are told

so just sit back and relax

and stop talking that smack

when i know you can think what’s true instead of what’s whack

just smile your smile and sit back and relax

cuz where im gonna take you you might want to keep track

of those weights on your back

that now seem so light

but by the end of the night

im sure that what you carry ain’t gonna seem so right

cuz in my world the road is governed by fight or flight

not so much by whether what i do is right

cuz nobody’s gonna listen if your punch dont have might

i know that your minds been travelling

and that you been unravelling

but in reality all you’re really doin is marvelling

at how fast the world around you is marbling

maybe it’s cuz you’re falling

maybe it’s cuz you’re drowning

maybe it’s cuz you’re going

i don’t where you been

i only notice the state that you’re in

the space that you win

every time you take another step is it just another fuckin whim

where life goes by in the blink of an eye

and really all we should do is watch the movement of the skies

while every second someone dies

i don’t understand why that’s such a surprise

the world isn’t dominated by a sun that can set and rise

more to come…. later ;D

skipping class is productive Tuesday, Sep 22 2009 

today i spent the last two blocks of classes at a youth centre working on some writing i have been attempting to finish for the past couple of months. it was a nice relaxing, enjoyable day. i’m not sure if i’m entering one of my super productive phases, but it certainly seems so. eventually i’ll end up going and crashing, but i guess i’ll just try to use all of this energy and get my work done when i have the chance.

i also managed to complete my intention letter for a college application that i will be filling out as of october 1st. it’s exciting, because to be frank here, i never honest to god thought that i would ever in my life be able to apply for college. or with beyond shit marks even. that blows me away. maybe part of it is the fact that though both my parents managed to get through university (my dad’s work paid for his, my mum went long before it cost near as much as it is now), neither of them managed to graduate from high school. my mum has a GED, while my dad has something else entirely. i’ve almost ended up leaving on a number of occaisions, and am still shocked i am graduating.

i find it odd that i will finally be leaving secondary school but at the same time i am very glad to get out of here. my ex was telling me today that in a year i will want to go back. personally, i doubt this. there will be nothing for me to go back to!

graduation Thursday, Sep 17 2009 

Today we posed in a slight drizzle to have our graduation group photo taken. There’s something to be said for being crammed with a huge load of people into a small space. I could care less though, at least it’s over. The last group photo I will ever have taken of me in high school. Ever. Everyone always seems to ask me whether or not I like high school. At this question I must laugh. It seems to me the majority of people who do this have no idea what high school has been about for me, or have not had the same type of experiences, so even when I do care to mention that it’s been one shithole after another, they fail to comprehend. Usually, it involves me relating an incident  (or incidents) where I have had a not so good time, and whoever I am talking to turns to me and sayings something along the lines of “why is that bad?” or “i don’t see why that’s a bad thing….” or “that doesn’t bother me.” Then I wonder about why I even bothered to bring this up in the first place. I suspect it’s probably the majority of the people I describe these things too are white, rather than a minority, or, where some of these icidents are concerned, Native. Every time I have ever talked about them with another Native person, it’s always the same, or at least the same type of thing. Never a confused glance or a blank stare of utter unrelated, always agreement, even if it isn’t a good incident. It’s just the same shit different pile, really. Sometimes it isn’t as obvious as others, which is codename for “harder to deal with” ie. no-one outside your own minority or experience will pick up on it, and therefore whatever is going on will be allowed and possibly even supported, because no-one else besides you is being affected by it. Sometimes this is the most frustrating thing in the world. (Just to clarify, we had 6 Native kids at my highschool, and 5 this year. I know exactly who they all are) I belong to a sort of social justice youth group which is located a youth centre which is about 80% Native. As far as I know, we are one of the only groups using the space which has white people in it. Even though we are surrounded by Native people, the majority of people in the group are white (I’m still trying to figure this out, but I do have my hypothises), and thus when we discuss things of a personal nature (which we do often which I find good), often people will look at my with the expressions I have described before, almost as if we need a translator or something. With a couple people in the group, I am about at my wits end right now. The part that really ticks me off is the fact that both of them have the experience of being a minority (they are both Jewish fyi),but fail to see the comparison at the very basic level, even though I am sure they both possess the brains and hearts to do that. I guess it’s just part of the whole mess, but honestly, I wish some people would stop closing their minds, or have a little fucking compassion once in a while….

Hello world! Wednesday, Sep 16 2009 

For once, I actually agree with a choice of heading.

That is something which I find quite satisfying, considering 5 years of public schooling, and everything else before that.

To be perfectly honest, I have no idea why I started a blog. No, that is not true, I would be lying if I said that. Actually, I sort of know, and I sort of don’t, but I don’t expect anyone to read it, let alone comment (god help me the day that happens!), so at the very least it will be a chance to express my thoughts to the great void of the internet…. as I have done many times before.

Perhaps it would be the most polite to introduce myself…. at least partially, since I will NOT be giving you my address, phone #, et al. If you want that, then, well…. let me just me nice and say this isn’t the thing for you, ’cause that sorta behaviour isn’t my calling.

I’m old enough to be your relative (most likely a younger sibling, cousin etc.)

I’m old enough to have a brain (still youth)

I’m old enough to have a driver’s liscence

I’m old enough to make my own choices and decisions

I’m old enough to not have to worry about walking alone  in the dark (does depend a little on where you walk though, but I am being general here)

I’m old enough to know that some people who read this wouldn’t treat me with respect if they met me in person

I’m old enough to know that racism is a hell of a lot more common that white or lighter skinned people like to think

I’m old enough to know that gender isn’t binary

I’m old enough to know that my family isn’t made up of my biological relatives

I’m old enough to know that there are too many identities in the world for them all to be translated/written/defined

I’m old enough to know that mental wellness isn’t a give-in

I’m old enough to know that the system only works for/with those it likes

I’m old enough to know there are other people in the world who do share similar views

I’m old enough to know I can define myself